4 Common Misunderstandings about Self-Love that I had to Unlearn: Finding Out the Truth
Unlearning what culture, conditioning, and childhood got wrong about loving yourself
For a long time, I thought self-love was something everyone else understood and knew how—except myself.
I remember sitting in the park years ago, journaling after yet another episode of harsh self-criticism. Back then, the question that had been looping in my head: Why does loving myself feel so hard and unnatural? That was when it dawned on me—I had never actually been shown what it means and how to do it.
Then, over the years, I’ve noticed how much misunderstandings there can be about self-love. I see them in many social media posts too, when influencers tag self-love on a photo of them with a newly bought branded bag or a new pair of shoes. Well, shopping does not necessarily bring about self-love. We can possess a luxurious item but still feel miserable about our life. And I can certainly attest to that!
Here are four misunderstandings that I had to unlearn myself…
Misunderstanding #1: “We’re already supposed to know how to love ourselves.”
This one creates so much silent shame. We assume self-love is instinctive, something we should naturally know how to do. How did shame translate for me at first? I didn’t dare share that I had no idea about what it means to truly love myself and I didn’t dare ask for help either.
In reality, for many of us, it simply wasn’t modelled. It wasn’t talked about at home when we were young. Back then, our caregivers were doing the best they could. Messages were often focused on survival, achievement, or “being strong.” As I found out when helping some of my clients, their school teachers were also more intent on criticisms and punishments instead.
Emotional attunement, gentleness, and self-compassion simply weren’t part of the conversation. So if self-love feels unfamiliar, stop shaming yourself or feeling guilty. It’s not because something is wrong with you—it’s because you were never taught. The best you can do know is to find out what self-love truly means for yourself.
Misunderstanding # 2: “Self-love means massages and hot oil baths.”
Don’t get me wrong—those can be lovely. But self-love runs much deeper than pampering. Which is why in my book, Self-Love Secrets, that I wrote years ago, I made the distinction between self-love and self-care. My more recent book Self-Love Practice clarified the idea further.
True self-love includes turning toward the parts of you that feel unworthy, anxious, or afraid. It means listening to your inner child instead of dismissing them. It’s learning how to soothe yourself when you’re triggered, rather than pushing through or numbing out.
Sometimes self-love looks less like a spa day and more like setting a boundary or staying present with uncomfortable emotions. I urge you to make the distinction between self-love and self-care too. Self-care is part of self-love and self-love is a lot more than just self-care.
Misunderstanding #3: “Self-love is selfish.”
Many of us were conditioned to believe that prioritising ourselves means taking something away from others. We were taught to place the needs of others first. And that being selfish makes us bad, inconsiderate and unkind.
In reality, the opposite is often true. When you don’t practise self-love, resentment, burnout, and emotional reactivity tend to build up. You have to wear your own oxygen mask first, per the safety instructions when you are on a plane. Self-love allows you to give from a fuller place—not obligation, not people-pleasing, but choice. It’s not selfish; it’s sustainable.
Misunderstanding #4: “Self-love is the same as self-esteem.”
Many people use the terms “self-love” and “self-love” interchangeably. Well, they are not the same thing. And knowing what the difference is helps us to correctly point out the inner work that we need to do.
Self-esteem is often tied to performance—how capable, confident, or successful we feel. It’s tied to our third or solar plexus chakra. Self-esteem is shaped by how well we’re doing, how capable we feel, and how we believe we’re being perceived. When things are going well—when we’re productive, confident, or achieving—self-esteem tends to rise. When we fail, make mistakes, or feel uncertain, it often dips. We can build self-esteem up by reminding ourselves about our capabilities and accomplishments.
Self-love, on the other hand, is our the ability to stay connected with ourselves even when we’re disappointed, triggered, or feeling “not good enough.” It is centred in the fourth or heart chakra energy. Self-love says, I can be with myself in this moment without abandoning or attacking myself. In self-love, we are peeling the layers of the onion, to connect with the authentic essence of who we are.
You can have high self-esteem and still be deeply self-critical behind closed doors. Self-love is not about feeling good about yourself all the time—it’s about embracing yourself with kindness and care, especially when you don’t.
How Self-Love has Transformed My Life
Unlearning what I once assumed about self-love changed how I relate to myself. As a result, the relationship with myself improved tremendously. The voice of my harshest critic reduced. Where I once hear snide comments in my ears, it is down to a whisper or hardly at all these days. It’s change from the inside-out! I also found out that I am better able to hold space for my loved ones, friends and clients.
A few years ago, after working with clients over personal sessions, I created my self-love course. Recently, I’ve shifted the course to a new platform - so that I can continue to make it available, accessible and at low cost.
It’s not about fixing yourself. The self-paced course is about learning what was never taught: how to meet yourself with compassion, reparent your inner child, and build a relationship with yourself that feels safe and steady.
If you’re ready to stop guessing what self-love is supposed to look like and start practising it in a real, embodied way, get my Self-love Reparenting Course. In celebration of Self-Love Day (Feb 13) and Valentine’s Day (Feb 14), I am offering a 50% savings.
Click Here for the Self-Love Course
Before checking out, key in the discount code: selflovegift.
Have a Radiant Self-Love week!
Shine in self-love always,
Evelyn Lim
Transformation Coach
Emotional Wellness Therapist